Bonding

This morning was really really horrible. I will talk about nice things later, like USJ, or how I’m going rafting next weekend, but right now I need to talk about how horrible my morning went.

This morning, I had the worst cramps in the universe. I woke up feeling like robots were trying to laser their way out of my abdomen. It was beyond awful, but I didn’t think about it enough to bother to take any painkillers before I went to school.

In first period, I realized I was going to have trouble. I was having trouble walking around the classroom, trouble standing up, and trouble concentrating on what I was doing because I was in so much pain. I thought, just make it through this lesson, then sit down and relax, and you’ll be able to make it through third period.

I tried. I really did. And it didn’t work. All through second period, I was either hunched over my desk, or pacing around in agony, thinking while I was doing one that if only I did the other, things would get better. My awesome JTE told me I was looking really pale, and asked me if I was alright. I just sort of gave a strangled “yeah” and went to hang out in the ladie’s toilet in case I threw up.

By the time third period rolled around, I knew there was no way I was going to make it to or through class without fainting or something equally awful. I couldn’t just soldier through, and I was so frustrated and ashamed and hurting that I could barely tell my JTE I couldn’t do it. As is always the case when I have to own up to my own helplessness, I couldn’t get the words out as it was a choice between crying and talking, or not crying and saying nothing.

This JTE, who I don’t know that well because I only met her in March, steered me down to the nurses office and parked me in a bed and made me stay and rest for 2 hours. I completely abandoned her class with no warning (and I’m going on a work trip tomorrow, leaving her to deal with our weekly advanced English class on her own — a not-great but unavoidable move on my part) and I felt horrible about that, as well as horrible about feeling sick. Later, she came down and made me eat a cookie and take medicine, and stay put until lunch time.

Creeping back to the staffroom for lunch, I felt much, much better… and felt incredibly guilty for feeling better so quickly. If I had taken care of things earlier, I wouldn’t have missed the class and made my JTE take care of me. If I had stayed sick, I would have justified the missing of class and the taking care of. But no, I was back, feeling alright, but pretending not to. I pretended, so that she wouldn’t think I had been pretending or exaggerating earlier (although, seriously, I’m pretty sure I looked as awful as I felt). Isn’t that weird? I need my head examined, probably.

At any rate, this JTE has mothered me now. She took care of me, and worried about my health, and now there is that bond between us. She’s seen me low, and helped me along. You don’t ask for these situations, you can choose who is there when you need help. Every good or bad situation I have with this JTE from now on, I will remember her kindness and see her in that light.

I thought about this some more at my shamisen lesson. My teacher told me something — I’m not sure of the nuances, but the gist is, I’m a good student and am improving quickly, so that means she is a good teacher. Or has become a good teacher to match the student. Or that if I was bad, it would make her teaching look bad. Or if I was bad, she wouldn’t have to rise above being a bad teacher. The exact words were unclear, but what was clear is that there exists between us a symbiotic relationship as teacher and student. We improve because of eachother. When I’m there, she practices and plays the secondo parts, and sings. She makes me play alone in those times, and that forces me up.

I love the piece we’re playing right now. In two parts, with vocals, it sounds really amazing. We play fast, and fierce.

Also, she gives me lots of vegetables. And tonight when we had tea, we each ate a sour plum (ume) with a sickly sweet syrup/jam around it. They call it “amezuppai”: Ame is “sweet”, and Suppai is “sour”. It really was ovewhelming with sweet and sour and jammy plummy mash, and the only thing that calmed my mouth back down was to drink the bitter green tea we always have here.

Japan mixes the sentiments and tastes with a definite flair.