Brr, it’s cold. I hung my laundry in the cold.

We have a three-day weekend. It’s nice. I don’t leave the apartment much because of cold, and studying, but that bothers me, because I want to go out and do stuff. Urrgh.

In the past week or so, I’ve had a few times when my days turned out to be dependent on other people… ie, waiting for someone to ring, or show up, so that my day could proceed.

It’s annoying.
I’m doing things I like, of course, but the waiting around…

It’s like waking up late, but not so late that you won’t be late… but it leaves you at home with 5 minutes extra. You don’t have the full time to do anything proper, but you have 5 spare minutes to do… NOTHING!!! You woke up with just enough time to do NOTHING! (stolen from Dane Cook, that line).

But that’s how I feel!

If I wasn’t so relaxed, I would be much more bent out of shape about this. Of course, I can feel this affecting how I look at the day. I feel like I can’t accomplish as much because of waiting for something (7 hours in the future!!) so my studying drive suffers. Things don’t get done. Then I feel REALLY cranky at the end of the day for wasting my day.

If I was sick, or stressed, this would be worse. I’m trying to be zen, because I’m in a general good mood at the moment. BUT STILL.

Uh. Uhhh.

I have a heap of vocabulary to study. And then grammar. And I think that’s it. I think I’m OK. I feel pretty dang good about my studying. Despite failing another practice test. I can study up. I can do this.

/gripe

I’m facing a bit of a dilemma.

(Actually, as I’m posting this, I think I’ve got the dilemma solved but I’m posting anyway since I took the time to write.)

My shamisen teacher has been talking about having me play in a big group New Year’s concert, at the beginning of February. It’s a sort of scary but fun idea – I feel confident about my shamisen playing. Whether or not I should do it is not the dilemma, but what I should wear when I do it, is.

When she told me about the idea, she said that everyone would be wearing kimono, but I could wear Western clothes. This is one of those tricky Japanese situations: did she tell me this because she knows I don’t own a kimono (and they’re expensive) and might not be comfortable in one, or because she doesn’t want me to wear one?

And on top of that, do I want to wear one?

On the one hand, it’s a Japanese music concert, in Japan, with Japanese people who will all be wearing Japanese clothes. Do I want to stand out (even more than usual) as the person not conforming to the norm? To be the obvious foreigner in all aspects of my appearance?

On the other hand, will I look like a complete git in a kimono? (The general agreement in the Japanese reaction is that no foreigner will ever look anything but silly when they try to wear kimono – even if it’s done properly, it’s still a foreigner. In a kimono. The horror). Would I attract even more attention for trying to be conformist, when all I really want to do is go up and play my shamisen and be appreciated for that alone?

The kimono is a funny thing, because it’s a native costume that has decreased in general use and popularity over the ages to the point where it literally is a costume. People in Japan don’t wear it in the same way that an Indian woman wears a sari. It only comes out on special occasions and particular situations, and that makes it even more layered with implicit meaning than usual.

So a kimono in a concert is not so much a thing you wear in a music concert as much as it is a thing you wear in a Japanese Cultural Music Concert. It’s the uniform of the music player. But at the same time it’s the tradition of the Japanese people – one of whom I am not. Not wearing a kimono is like playing only have the song – you’re not committing fully to the Culture of the whole thing. But I’m not trying to be Japanese, just to play Japanese music. So to wear a kimono as if it’s something I that I wear because it’s part of me playing shamisen would be a complete lie, and feels like I’m trying too hard in the wrong areas – but to not wear one is to only meet the group halfway.

As I write this out, I think my best solution is to find Western dress that looks kind of like a kimono or a uniform – formal dress with a wrapped front of the jacket, or something like that.

I’m definitely making too big a deal out of what will ultimately be only one afternoon of my entire life. And at the same time, this is really just a slightly larger example of the things that happen all the time here – deciding in so many tiny situations to what extent one will be foreign and natural, and to what extent one will try to be Japanese and natural. Or unnatural. How much should I adjust my behavior? To what level to I feel comfortable being different or obvious? When does altering my actions become altering myself? Is that bad? How much will the society let me get away with? How much will I let myself get away with? After accepting that I will always be a foreigner, what is the value I place on individuality verses smooth group interactions? Is this a role I’m playing, or is this me?

And so on.

I still love books. Nothing a computer can do can compare to a book. You can’t really put a book on the Internet. Three companies have offered to put books by me on the Net, and I said, ‘If you can make something that has a nice jacket, nice paper with that nice smell, then we’ll talk.’ All the computer can give you is a manuscript. People don’t want to read manuscripts. They want to read books. Books smell good. They look good. You can press it to your bosom. You can carry it in your pocket.

-Ray Bradbury

Amen

Today at Rogakko, I taught the students the story of Dreamcatchers, and we did arts and crafts. Later, we had a Ballet workshop with the entire school.

Lieutenant, please file today under “Super Special Awesome”.

Other great stuff:

I climbed the Bizan in the dark, and was not eaten by wild dogs.

I learned how to play a song from “The Little Mermaid” on the ukulele.

The weekly home-cooked meals and ladies-only movie nights have begun again at the Shogakko Queen’s house. Viva! The Queen, the Fashionista, the Kiwi, and myself gather for delightful evenings. Ho har har.

Daniel Radcliffe is apparently going to star as Dan Eldon in the movie about Dan Eldon’s life.

The Wizard of New Zealand has a great wikipedia page.

I get enough sleep every night despite crazy dreams, because I am not up till all hours of the night worrying about things.

In a sudden burst of creativity, I started scrapbooking and making collages again (see: Dan Eldon).

The new JETs came, I realized how much more capable I’ve become as a person, and, aspiring after the archetypal French Girl, to realize that I can only improve and grow.

In other words, it can only get more fabulous!

Man oh man, it’s all new kinds of hot now.

I did turn on my air-con because I’ve been at home during the day and really do need it. Ah well. It had to happen sometime.

Today is a matsuri down in Komatsushima, “Harbor Festival”. I don’t know if I want to go, but I think I’m gonna anyway… the issue is the heat, and the fact that I’m not so excited to be around a bunch of people. I’m not even that excited to be around my friends, to tell God’s honest truth.

The other night I went with the Kiwi to a charity music concert at P’s (a bar). We were two of maybe 6 foreigners there, and we wound up sitting and chatting up this Japanese woman for over 2 hours. It’s fun, and really cool to be able to sit and chat in another language but oh my gosh is it exhausting after a while!!

…and I’m starting to feel that exhaustion around people who speak English. Sometimes, when people just aren’t traveling down the same mental or linguistic or intellectual or emotional line that you are, it’s very tiring to hang out with them, and to keep things going.

Maybe I’ve mentioned this before, maybe not, but the thing they really don’t explain here is the loneliness that comes about. Sure, I have a good number of friends, and even more acquaintances, but… there is such a loneliness none the less. It’s more base, and can be covered up with activity, parties, coffee dates, and so on.

Note that I say “covered up”, not “dealt with”.

I mean, it’s fine. It’s all totally fine, and I’m not going to crash and burn, but going along like that is like running and engine, eventually it’ll run down and can’t go anymore until it gets a tune-up and the (immediate) issue is addressed (or at least the fan belt is replaced, or the gas replenished) and then it goes again.

Like I said, I’m fine.

And I’m going to the festival, I’m not wussing out and staying inside all day (much as that is sort of appealing, it’s also a completely revolting idea).

Tonight at Awa Odori practice, I wore my geta for the first time.

Remember when you buy a new pair or a poorly made pair of sandals, and the bit that goes between your big and second toe chafes from here to Dixie?

Yes, well it’s like that, except you are putting all our weight on that chafe, and also dancing in time and waving your arms.

A whole new kind of pain.

Tonight’s practice was endurance mode, just dancing up and down and up and down the park pavement. I made it as far as I could, and then decided that since I was sucking so bad because the pain was so distracting, I should probably just change back to my sneakers.

I danced maybe 15 steps in my sneakers before practice ended. I didn’t have a watch or phone, so I didn’t know the time.

All in all, I’m pleased with myself for making it that far.

At the rest point in the middle, one of the really genki men’s dancers came up to me and told me all about how my rhythm was ok, but my power sucked, actually, no, my power was making my rhythm suck, and so I should kick my knees up higher.

I wanted to say “Yes, you put the geta on and see how much genki YOU have!!” but what I really did was agree with everything he said, say “Ossu” (“push / I’m gonna fight hard!”) and try my best. After all, he was right. My rhythm and power were sucking big time.

My old-lady friend chatted me up at break time too. We talked about the weather, and where Supervisor-teacher was, and how dancing was fun. Maybe 75% of the stuff she says to me I don’t understand, but dammit… if I’ve learned anything in a year, it’s that smiling, nodding, and applying the old ganbare (do your best) spirit will get you far.

At the end of practice, I talked with the kids. They wanted to know where Supervisor-teacher was, and to tell me what a good dancing gaijin I am, and to basically joke around. I told them I was going home to eat, and they told me if I ate after 8 pm, I would get fat.

I said “Ah, metabo desu ne” (“Yeah, I’ll get metabo”) and they busted a nut laughing at me, then said “kyotsukete” (“Be careful!”) and sent me on my way.

Thanks, kids, You’re the most awesome.

Now I have to run to the grocery store and sort some dinner. I rearranged most of my furniture today in a brief fit of industry, but now all the bits and bobs of moving are all over the floor and bed and table… I don’t really have a place to eat or sleep. Yet. And I need a shower.

Ahhh.

I enjoy being busy!

So the more I read about the things happening in Iran, the more it was seeming that as a number of countries (read: the US) have some interest in the situation, their fingers were perhaps pulling the strings behind the spontaneous outbreak of a color revolution.

At first, that made me feel crabby, because a revolution of the common folk is again chalked up to sticky fingers manipulating the populous and in turn, the bloggers who have been (therefore) mindlessly spreading the information about the Iranian people. It cheapens honest people’s efforts to get the word out about something they believe in.

Then I thought about it a bit more. A comment from someone here in Tokushima was that “is there any country that could have a revolution now a days that you would not [speculate] was the US covertly overthrowing the government?”

And here it is. I don’t know what’s really going on behind the scenes, as it were. While I think it’s important to know what governments are up to, what we’re forgetting here is that while we marvel or speculate over how and what has happened in terms of turning this revolution into a more global cause across the internet, people die on the ground. Who cares who the players are when the pawns die for them? I don’t need to hear one more conspiracy theory that removes focus from the fact that someone somewhere is standing up for something.

Maybe it’s a masterful work of international politics. Maybe the people are manipulated into wanting what the player wants. Does that invalidate their wants as a people? When we forget about them as a people and see them merely as means to an end, then yes, it does.

And on a different note (because Iran really is difficult to put into good words) today is Tuesday, and I love Tuesday. Tuesday is the day I go to Rogakko. Rogakko is a always a day of small classes, lunch with students, and enjoyable class activities.

Today for example, we used kid’s doctor toys to act out conversations in a hospital (Senior High School 3rd grade). Then (SHS 2nd grade) we played a game about taking a bath that I had drawn up the night before (using my phone bill as a straight edge: take THAT, fiscal responsibility!) Later, (SHS 2nd grade, Academic course) we did one-on-one reading and past participle work. Lunch was curry rice.

I love Tuesdays!

Lastly, a cool thing that happened today was when I sat down to study Japanese. I recently bought two new study books, geared towards Grammar and Reading, and Vocabulary and Kanji for the JLPT Level 3 (which I’ll take in December). And lo, it all just clicked today in my Grammar book.

I really enjoy these particular books because they give you kanji within the readings and examples, but only give you the furigana (telling you how to read each kanji) the first couple of times. After that, you’re expected to remember what you’ve read. So I’m working harder. I’m remember more, because I’m expected too.
The other thing is, the examples and general explanations are all in Japanese. All that my workbook says for a grammar point is “While …ing”, to tell you what the point means.

It’s all because of my reading intensive Japanese lessons, and because I started playing attention to when my JTE would explain English grammar points in Japanese.

That’s about all I have for today. It rained the most amazing ocean-storm style rain last night, and I’d like to go outside today before it rains again.

Current Activity: Cooking dinner (Indian curry and couscous)

As the weather heats up and the Awa Odori practices become regular night time occurrences, a curious thing happens.

Things become familiar.

Hearing the sounds and smelling the smells of this time of year actually triggers memory for me, and that’s amazing. Because I was here 11 months ago, and I have actual memory of things being this way in Tokushima before.

It’s one thing to say “I’ve lived in a place for a year”, and another, more humbling thing, to be physically confronted with evidence of that fact.

And although a year is a long time, it stops me in my tracks to think “from this point on, I’m half way done, and heading for the end”.

The end for now, at least.

Edit: I will bitch and moan about the Awa Odori music in the coming weeks, but let it be known: I absolutely love Awa Odori. Seeing all the people move in unison in the park, singing and chanting and waving lanterns and fans… it really moves me. I want to be a part of it, and at the same time, I want to watch it forever, absorb it all in my skin, yell and chant and stamp my feet and wave my arms.

The dancing fool and the watching fool are equally foolish, so you might as well dance.

I woke up today, Sunday, glorious Sunday, at 6 am. As I went to sleep (glorious sleep) at 1 am, I think to myself that maybe I ought to just stay in bed for a bit more. And so I do, laying there, idly turning over some thoughts that had visited me in my dreams.

In particular, I try to answer a question posed to me by a dream character. She was rather insistent that something be explained to her, so I try and form a nice answer to her question.

In one of my favorite books, “Carter Beats the Devil”, the main character dreams up an illusion that launches his career in magic.

This morning, I dreamed up a worksheet activity practicing “Which person” and “Who”. My god. I cannot escape this job sometimes.

(But I did jump out of bed and write down the worksheet design and instructions in a notebook. It’s a pretty good worksheet).

Oh, subconscious brain. What the heck is up with you?

My! So things happened.

I went to Hiroshima. It was quite an experience.

The flowers bloomed. These are by the train station in the countryside.

Japan has a crazy number of flowers everywhere, for a country with practically zero grass.

I rode my bicycle. A lot.

I have no idea what I would do without it. Probably curl up and die. Or have stronger running legs. The important thing is, it has never failed me. I care for it, and it takes me all over creation.

There were cherry blossoms (and jumping). First we saw them in Hiroshima, and then the next weekend in Tokushima, they took us by storm.

So we went and did Hanami, cherry blossom viewing, in the local Castle Park. Even at night, weird green lights would shine at the trees so you could enjoy them in a zombie-like haze.

Also, I got grumpy at Amazon for their whole subversive de-ranking of books kerfuffle (Google it, I’m not going to rehash then entire thing here), and took my business to Better World Books… can I say AMAZING?! Their prices (especially on international shipping) are fantaaaaastic. Also, I received a super-sweet email from them today, to confirm my order.

Hello Emily,

(Your book(s) asked to write you a personal note – it seemed unusual, but who are we to say no?)

Holy canasta! It’s me… it’s me! I can’t believe it is actually me! You could have picked any of over 2 million books but you picked me! I’ve got to get packed! How is the weather where you live? Will I need a dust jacket? I can’t believe I’m leaving Mishawaka, Indiana already – the friendly people, the Hummer plant, the Linebacker Lounge – so many memories. I don’t have much time to say goodbye to everyone, but it’s time to see the world!

I can’t wait to meet you! You sound like such a well read person. Although, I have to say, it sure has taken you a while! I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but how would you like to spend five months sandwiched between Jane Eyre (drama queen)and Fundamentals of Thermodynamics (pyromaniac)? At least Jane was an upgrade from that stupid book on brewing beer. How many times did the ol’ brewmaster have one too many and topple off our shelf at 2am?

I know the trip to meet you will be long and fraught with peril, but after the close calls I’ve had, I’m ready for anything (besides, some of my best friends are suspense novels). Just five months ago, I thought I was a goner. My owner was moving and couldn’t take me with her. I was sure I was landfill bait until I ended up in a Better World Books book drive bin. Thanks to your socially conscious book shopping, I’ve found a new home. Even better, your book buying dollars are helping kids read from Brazil to Botswana.

So cute. They have my book-buying business from now on!