I’m facing a bit of a dilemma.

(Actually, as I’m posting this, I think I’ve got the dilemma solved but I’m posting anyway since I took the time to write.)

My shamisen teacher has been talking about having me play in a big group New Year’s concert, at the beginning of February. It’s a sort of scary but fun idea – I feel confident about my shamisen playing. Whether or not I should do it is not the dilemma, but what I should wear when I do it, is.

When she told me about the idea, she said that everyone would be wearing kimono, but I could wear Western clothes. This is one of those tricky Japanese situations: did she tell me this because she knows I don’t own a kimono (and they’re expensive) and might not be comfortable in one, or because she doesn’t want me to wear one?

And on top of that, do I want to wear one?

On the one hand, it’s a Japanese music concert, in Japan, with Japanese people who will all be wearing Japanese clothes. Do I want to stand out (even more than usual) as the person not conforming to the norm? To be the obvious foreigner in all aspects of my appearance?

On the other hand, will I look like a complete git in a kimono? (The general agreement in the Japanese reaction is that no foreigner will ever look anything but silly when they try to wear kimono – even if it’s done properly, it’s still a foreigner. In a kimono. The horror). Would I attract even more attention for trying to be conformist, when all I really want to do is go up and play my shamisen and be appreciated for that alone?

The kimono is a funny thing, because it’s a native costume that has decreased in general use and popularity over the ages to the point where it literally is a costume. People in Japan don’t wear it in the same way that an Indian woman wears a sari. It only comes out on special occasions and particular situations, and that makes it even more layered with implicit meaning than usual.

So a kimono in a concert is not so much a thing you wear in a music concert as much as it is a thing you wear in a Japanese Cultural Music Concert. It’s the uniform of the music player. But at the same time it’s the tradition of the Japanese people – one of whom I am not. Not wearing a kimono is like playing only have the song – you’re not committing fully to the Culture of the whole thing. But I’m not trying to be Japanese, just to play Japanese music. So to wear a kimono as if it’s something I that I wear because it’s part of me playing shamisen would be a complete lie, and feels like I’m trying too hard in the wrong areas – but to not wear one is to only meet the group halfway.

As I write this out, I think my best solution is to find Western dress that looks kind of like a kimono or a uniform – formal dress with a wrapped front of the jacket, or something like that.

I’m definitely making too big a deal out of what will ultimately be only one afternoon of my entire life. And at the same time, this is really just a slightly larger example of the things that happen all the time here – deciding in so many tiny situations to what extent one will be foreign and natural, and to what extent one will try to be Japanese and natural. Or unnatural. How much should I adjust my behavior? To what level to I feel comfortable being different or obvious? When does altering my actions become altering myself? Is that bad? How much will the society let me get away with? How much will I let myself get away with? After accepting that I will always be a foreigner, what is the value I place on individuality verses smooth group interactions? Is this a role I’m playing, or is this me?

And so on.

I had a crazy weekend, which I’ll write about later.

Suffice it to say it was very physically demanding, and I am tired.

Last night I went out to DEAR for some Italian food. I try not to order the same thing every time, so I chose the smoked salmon and broccoli pasta. UGH. It was so BORING. And that is just wrong.

Pasta should never be a yawn-fest. It shouldn’t look and taste like nothing. It shouldn’t be lacking in both flavor and texture. You FAIL, DEAR. Solid F on that pasta.

Tonight I’ll be sewing beads onto my Glinda skirt, and watching Ugly Betty or the X Factor. Hmm, actually, as I recall, there was some weird fashion show drama on TV last week that I got really into. My costume, at any rate, is going to be awesome! I’ve got the skirt and top and shoes all sorted, I just need Glinda’s wand and crown and I’m all set!

For your amusement:

This weekend, Ada and I went down to a giant recycle shop in Anan. Actually, to tell the truth, it’s more of a jumble shop than a recycle shop — or maybe, a crazy bazaar. Every kind of Japanese culture or paraphernalia that you could want is in this shop. Katanas, tea sets, crazy masks, kimono, musical instruments, insane porcelain statues (giant Labrador or Betty Boop, anyone?) and so on.

In the back of the purse shelf, we found treasure:

Ada scored the red one, and I bought the black one. Awesome!

These backpacks are hugely iconic, all elementary students carry one. Red is for girls, black is for boys (though I think boys carry red as well). The students near my school have an add-on reflective flap with Sudachi-kun (our prefectural mascot), presumably so the students can be seen in the dark.

Because of all of this, there is pretty much no way that either of us would be able to use the backpack here in Japan. So we will wait. Right now, I’m using mine to store my journals and various art books. It’s incredibly functional and well-designed as a pack, and I can’t wait until I can start using it to cart my gear around.

Though, now that I think about it, I won’t be doing the same activity (biking to work with a sack full of materials) back in the states every day. So while it’s a great bag, it might not get the same amount of use when I am in a place where I can use it.

Ah well.

I also bought Kanji Sono Mama for my DS. It’s great because
a. It’s cheaper than an electronic dictionary
b. I can write kanji into the screen and it looks them up for me, simple as pie!
c. I bought it at Book Off, so it was maybe 1000 yen less than brand new. ROCK!!
So far, it’s pretty great. I just draw in the kanji or the furigana, and then choose my word. LOVE!!

Today was Heath and Sports Day, so I had off. I went to a traditional music concert affiliated with my school. However, because I had done the same thing the day before for 3 HOURS, we only stayed for 4 performances, and then snuck out. There is only so much Japanese music I can take.

Yesterday’s concert was quite good, don’t get me wrong. It was 3 hours of sword dances, Awa Odori, traditional singing by pensioners, new instruments I had never seen before, and finally, a giant group playing and singing this song:

Hanami Odori. This is part one of three, if you’re really into it, here are the other two parts:

We just finished up the piece in my lessons 2 weeks ago. I can play the whole thing, and sing most of it (though not at the same time). My singing is really crap, but it gets better… I can’t believe that I’ve been learning shamisen for a year now! Crazy. Sorry I don’t have a video of myself doing it… but you wouldn’t hear the singing in that case.

At any rate.. that is that lately! The end!

As I may or may not have mentioned to various folks, I joined Awa Odori!

More specifically, I joined a ren, Kabuki ren, and practice three nights a week in the park. It’s freaky to think that Awa Odori is only a month and a week away.

For your enjoyment, here are some nice A.O. clips:
This clip is a short street dancing clip from Tokushima. Whee!!

This one is longer, and much more interesting. It’s from the Awa Odori Kaikan (cultural center) in Tokushima, and in it you can
a. hear the music better
b. see men’s dancing!

I’ll be doing the women’s dance (onna odori), as seen at the beginning, and around the 5 minute mark. But man, I want to do the men’s dance! It looks so cool!! The leaders showed me how to do the steps last Saturday, and man, it’s HARD. It takes a lot of leg strength (whereas the women’s takes arm strength, and the ability to keep going despite having your ribs all wrapped up in a kimono).

As the second video progresses, you hear more and more of the music. Now you can finally understand what I’m talking about. This is what I hear every weeknight between the hours of 7:30 and 9, except it is being played by at least 4 different groups at the same time 200 yards from my door, and is bouncing and echoing off the buildings. It’s fast and furious and powerful music, but man, once at flute tune is in your head, it NEVER GOES AWAY. EVER.

Related to all this; today I bought all the gubbins I’ll need for my kimono.

Tada!
These are all the bits and bobs to tie my kimono on, keep the ends clipped, fill out the obi, secure the obi, soak up the inevitable sweat, etc etc.

So, that’s all for now. Lucky Waving Cat says Goodbye!!

Nyah!

Conversations at work:

Happy Teacher (Mother of 2): Emily-chan, how was your lunch?

Me: It was good. But when I walked to the shop, it was really windy, so my skirt just blew up suddenly!

Boss Lady (Matronly grandmother type): Oh, my. On the highway?

Me: Yes, so I had to walk with my arms all the way down.

Happy Teacher: (laughing) You should have just covered your face instead.

Boss Lady: (laughing) Yes, at that point, it is too late for the skirt.

Me: ……

Boss Lady: Don’t worry, I’m sure you made people very happy.

Me: (dies)

Right now I have most of my paperwork in. I am registered for a seat on the airplane and room in the hotels. Everything is relatively under control. But the worry is up at the top of my mind right now… What will I wear?!

That’s a funny worry. At least it’s not as serious as “My brain has fallen out! I don’t speak English anymore!”

I’ve been thinking that maybe during the next year I will cultivate a new fashion for myself… up until now it has been mixing of the dressy and the odd, the comfortable and the weird. Sometimes it’s very masculine, sometimes feminine, but always with a strangeness to it… sometimes I really don’t feel comfortable in my own clothes, but it’s also uncomfortable to say “well nuts to it then” and toss on jeans and a t-shirt, if I am not feeling like having a jeans and t-shirt day…

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes. I was thinking, “Maybe I should start being proper”, and start dressing in that good-girl clean Office Lady… um… the type that is wearing a skirt and blouse and shoes, but she’s classy so perhaps she has a small necklace of pearls or something?

No… that’s too much, that’s like old-lady class. Pwhwahahaha. But not exactly like the young women I saw when I interviewed. They wore snappy suits, brown and blue with coordinated vests and blouses underneath. I like how that looks but I don’t think I’m the sort of person that wears an outfit like that.

But I don’t want to wear something really ill-suited to myself or to my work. I want to look snappy! And lady-like… so that I’ll become a lady. Ha!

At any rate, I am sitting here without a strong idea of what I even want to go out and purchase. I know what is appropriate for business wear (and whatever “business casual” is), I’m just very uncertain about what is appropriate for me and my life.

Bleh! I hate clothes shopping when I need to fill a specific qualification!